You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
