The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
