i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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