i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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