He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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