im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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