I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
