Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
