I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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