there was a trapeze. enough said
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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