I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize