For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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