They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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