just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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