What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
