i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
