I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
