God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
