Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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