the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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