problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
