I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
