PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
