I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
