do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We left the knife in your bed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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