apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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