I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I am available for nakedness
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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