But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
