I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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