thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
