I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize