I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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