the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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