Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
