I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
