when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
