I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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