I'm so fucking centered right now
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
