i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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