Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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