My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
