What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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