Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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