You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
