it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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