I cockslap morals
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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