What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize