He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
operation have a gay friend backfired
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Randomize
