and you said cock pushups were impossible
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
