____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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