i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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