dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
