im about as happy as oj after his trial
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
