When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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