My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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