i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
