I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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