the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
